How To Talk To Kids About Death
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Virtually every child will experience the loss of a pet, friend, relative or neighbor sometime during his/her school years. Yet, children are often shuttled off or ignored by adults who may be grieving themselves and do not have the energy, resources, or understanding necessary to help. Society tends to pacify itself with the rationale that "children are resilient", and thus fails to recognize that children need as much compassion and concerned support as adults require in adapting to dramatic or traumatic changes in their lives.
Loss, regardless of the cause, challenges the communication skills of both children and adults. Adults who are dealing with their own sense of loss and helplessness may find it difficult to respond to children's needs and questions. And so, we perpetuate the Conspiracy Of Silence, because we don't know what to say or maybe even fail to realize that we can say something.
Children's questions about death should be answered, as honestly as possible. It is important to try to discover what is behind the question being asked and to respond appropriately. Do not feel obligated to have all the answers. Sometimes, wondering and exploring are more important than answering. Do not ignore questions, however. Some type of response is always needed, as children will create answers for questions not heard and explored. Ask what the child thinks!!! Always be guided by the child.
Understanding how a child perceives events and how one reacts to change will enable an adult to help a child develop appropriate coping mechanisms. Be directed by the child, and allow the child to become the teacher. Go with the child as he/she explores the various dimensions of hurt, loss, and grief. Learn to listen and to hear, not only to the pain but the confusion, the isolation, the loneliness, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, and the memories as well.
Children learn to cope with loss by moving through the anxiety they feel with the help of supportive adults. Do not attempt to guide, but rather become a companion on their journey!!
HALos's is deeply grateful to Darcie Sims for her willingness to share this info. with others. Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., CGC, CHT/ Grief Inc./ 9016 Taylorsville Road #181/ Louisville, KY 40299/ (502) 671-0535/ Email: Griefinc@aol.com
